Kurt Cobain was a pussy. He let us nineties-kids down. The new generation, like the one Vonnie Bean is part of, has a laundry list of profound issues to resolve and with the guidance of mostly talentless heroes. The apocalypse is right around the corner and the kids are still smiling, dancing, and making TikTok videos. They might be idiots, but I still enjoy them more than the idiots my age. The ones whose lives are dictated by mortgages, political affiliations, and favorite sports teams. Today’s adults don’t want the kids using drugs, making porn, or hurting anyone’s feelings. Instead they offer what? Participation Trophies? An endless psychotic nightmare permeated by government surveillance and personalized advertising? Maybe Kurt was onto something. But he still is a pussy. Vonnie took an outdoor leak for the first time in the bonus video.
First off, there will be more to come of this incredible Hispanic beauty. Hazel Heart is a lot of fun and carries herself very candidly. You can believe her when she gives a shining review of Tacos El Pastor. Apparently, there is a taco cartel war being fought on the Las Vegas Strip. Tacos El Pastor and Tacos El Gordo are fierce neighboring competitors who sell essentially the exact same product, marinated pork tacos that are the addictive equivalent of opium. Go with whichever place has the shorter line. You are welcome. The horchata is also tremendous, especially when tasted off a pair of lips like Hazel’s.
Zishy Serena Avery was a hell of a wife for all the sixty or so hours that we were married. There was incredible sex of course, even I mildly enjoyed it. There were profound discussions about the wonders of the universe and the Annunaki. We would hold one another close as we slept each night, no matter how sweaty and disgusted and uncomfortable we would wake up feeling the next morning. We would share our Airbuds so we could simultaneously listen to Infowars at mealtime. Everything was grand until I discovered that Serena didn’t love Aphex Twin. Okay, bitch. Let’s end this shit-show before it is too late. Life is short.
Let us return to Russia with our contributor, Vika, and her model/friend, Arina Bik. On this cloudy day in Moscow, they take us shopping and out for a bit of adventurous street flashing. Now, perhaps I did jump the gun by investing my life savings into Bitcoin last year. But my children seem bright enough. They should be able to make it through life without expecting a terrific inheritance. Even if Bitcoin’s price is in the dumps, it remains the ideal way to transmit monetary value to a person living under a corrupt regime, i.e. everyone living on Earth. Better than nothing.
Zishy Kerin Metzger is a woman you would never expect has a kink side the size of Texas. You might meet her working the register at Office Depot and think to yourself, “What a cute nerd, I bet she has no idea how sexy she could be”. Upon checkout, you might spring up a meaningless conversation about the latest serial killer doc on Netflix. She might give you her number if you exude enough false confidence. You might come to her apartment and be introduced to her pet chinchilla. She might offer you some Kool-Aid and maybe a hit from her glass water pipe. Then, if you are real fortunate, she might reveal her drawer of secret toys and implements. Or, you could just stay home and order those paperclips from Amazon. You decide. This update brought to you by Office Depot. More of Zishy right here.
